Unearthed: The Trail of Ibn Battuta is special

I’m not entirely sure which of the first 30 seconds of Unearthed: The Trail of Ibn Battuta was the exact one that I realised I was in for something special. Perhaps it was after I witnessed its wooden-faced, questionably-trousered protagonist take down an enemy with what can only be described as a series of sharp kicks to the groin, or after landing my first headshot with my hand stuck through a wall. Actually, no, I’ve got it – it was when I threw a grenade down a hallway, watched it drop stone dead after scraping a wall, and then kill me as it blew up behind several layers of cover. Honestly, I meant special when I said it, just not the type you were thinking of.

Unearthed isn’t so much an Uncharted clone as it is its ugly, unloved twin that should have been taken round back and shot a long time ago. In the seven chapters available in this first episode (good god let there be more) you’ll basically play through an abridged Drake’s Deception, complete with stale fist fights that essentially boil down to two characters awkwardly humping each other angrily until one submits in exhaust/disgust, vehicle sections that seemingly encourage drink driving, and shootouts that work on the concept that firearms do in fact come in kids sizes. It is a broken, witless and unsightly mess that oddly beats its chest with pride at every turn, as if it’s fooled itself into believing it has anything of merit really going for it.  

The poultry two hours you spend with it are to be treasured, however, as they’re some of the most unique, laughter-filled moments to be had in 2013. There’s a world of joy to be found in every inch of its dreadful design. Our hero, Faris Jawad, does his best to impersonate Nolan North, calmly proclaiming the retrieval of a priceless, ancient, golden dagger as ‘sweet’, though he does stumble somewhat on sound effects for actions like rolling and jump, where he’ll often let out a sharp, violent shout that sounds like he’s vomiting in short bursts from all exhaust ports. Terrible? Sure. Hilarious? Absolutely.

Amazingly, it will often try its hand at self-awareness, quipping that Faris plays ‘too many tomb-raiding’ video games and making the observation that there’s ‘always a helicopter’ in an ATV chase when you’re assaulted by - you guessed it - a Lego helicopter. But just when you think this could result in parody, its soundtrack will pull the tone right back into ‘serious’ territory, like it was really just being snide and clever instead of owning up to being a complete train wreck.  

So is it the new Deadly Premonition? Well, sorta. For all its issues, Access Games’ oddity is a self-aware wonder. This captures as many laughs, but doesn’t chalk up to much more than ‘so bad it’s good’. It’ll take as much as a youtube video to highlight everything that makes Unearthed a guilty pleasure.

There might be more tragic undertones for Unearthed’s failure to amount to anything more than a joke, but for now I’m laughing pretty hard.